Just Because | Steph + Ben

So, being a mom is tough.  Figuring out what your place in the world is is tough. Finding balance in the tension of being a mother and having a career is tough.

Lincoln was a newborn when I resigned from my teaching job for the coming school year. I was supposed to be excited to have the opportunity to work from home and be with my baby all the time, but it was such an unfamiliar thing I was really not as thrilled as I thought I would be when I signed my resignation letter. There was so much unknown and comments made by co-workers and friends ("oh it must be so nice to be able to stay at home....") that made me think I was surrendering a hardworking life for a glorified maternity leave-- except permanent. 

I remember tearfully telling Marshall… ”—but I don’t want to be just a mom! I thought there was more for me!”  I felt like I needed to start a business, write a book, do something big. Little did I realize at the time, that raising that tiny person into a  full grown human being is one of the biggest things I'll ever do. It's not glamorous. It doesn't gain a lot of followers. There's a lot of poop, boogers, squashed bananas in places there shouldn't be squashed bananas, and lately, singing the songs to Frozen more times than I've ever wanted to (that's my own fault-- who showed him Frozen? Me. I did.). It's taken time, almost two years, and I can't say I don't wonder what it would be like to still be working in a school (versus a virtual one) or running a business or writing a book, or going "viral" or whatever, but more days than not I find my heart and soul to be very content doing what I was designed best to do: be Lincoln's mom. Most days, I kinda rock at it. Not in a perfect, make-all-the-right-decisions way, but in that I recognize the weight of what I'm doing. It's big. I don't love it twenty four/ seven, but there are moments-- many of them-- when the joy just catches me by surprise and I thank God that this is where he put me, even though I was reluctant. There are some freaking hard days, but there are really great days too. And those hard days aren't all bad, just hard. Getting to this place hasn't been easy (actually, it was the worst summer and subsequent six months of my life adjusting) but it's been so worth it, and my perspective on everything is so different. I could not be more grateful. (If you aren't familiar with my postpartum depression/anxiety/eczema explosion story you can read it here and my thoughts on being "just a mom" here). 

Okay, enough about my experience and exploiting a friend's beautiful photos to share my thoughts on the complexity of mommy societal expectations. Another day, another post... 

Not to quote the title of my blog but this girl and I? We are handpicked. Like, from day one God had us in mind to be friends. We met in 2013 when Marshall and I visited our first small group at The Summit. We bonded over photography, our love for chocolate pastries and Paris, coffee and kitchen aid mixers, like all in the first 10 minutes of meeting each other. The rest is history. We didn't know it at the time, but we had lived in the same neighborhood, literally down the street from each other, and then they moved out to the country but were still within a reasonable driving distance from our house. This lady loves so selflessly. The way she serves her husband and family is admirable. She's like me, into a little bit of everything. We love music, crafting, Jesus, leggings, coffee, photography, etc. Samesies. 

She and her husband worked their booties off the first year and some of Ben's life to pay off their debt so she could be at home with him and pour all her time into her photography business. In December she celebrated her last day of her day job and is officially a full time mama and small business owner and I asked her if I could come over and document this sweet time and transition. It's hard when you're in it to see how sweet it is. These photos are just so special and remind me so much of me and my own sweet boy. There is something so magical, just so so so magical about those everyday things. Making coffee. Playing trains. Eating breakfast together. Reading books. Getting dressed. Diaper changes. Some days its so monotonous, but before you know it they're reading their own books, feeding themselves and NOT throwing it on the floor (right? RIGHT?!), and using the potty (or so I've heard). It's hard adjusting to the slow life and being on toddler time, especially when you've been going 1,000 miles an hour and accomplishing more things before the sun is up than some people do all day.... for most of your life. 

But this girl? She rocks it. She rocks being Ben's mama. He's the sweetest little kid in the whole world (even compared to my own) and loves to snuggle and show affection, and I just love it. Even to me. Gives me hugs every time he sees me. Every time! I just love him and could eat him up! Now that she's more flexible during the day we get to see each other a lot (like once a week!) and it makes me so happy. It's like a promise fulfilled on so many fronts. I was so lonely and lost and confused in those early baby days, and begged God for community. Every time we see each other is just such a big reminder of God's faithfulness in his timing in the big things and in the small. Thank you for having me over (ahem-- letting me invite myself over) Steph and Ben! It was such a joy to be part of your morning.