Just Because | Steph + Ben

So, being a mom is tough.  Figuring out what your place in the world is is tough. Finding balance in the tension of being a mother and having a career is tough.

Lincoln was a newborn when I resigned from my teaching job for the coming school year. I was supposed to be excited to have the opportunity to work from home and be with my baby all the time, but it was such an unfamiliar thing I was really not as thrilled as I thought I would be when I signed my resignation letter. There was so much unknown and comments made by co-workers and friends ("oh it must be so nice to be able to stay at home....") that made me think I was surrendering a hardworking life for a glorified maternity leave-- except permanent. 

I remember tearfully telling Marshall… ”—but I don’t want to be just a mom! I thought there was more for me!”  I felt like I needed to start a business, write a book, do something big. Little did I realize at the time, that raising that tiny person into a  full grown human being is one of the biggest things I'll ever do. It's not glamorous. It doesn't gain a lot of followers. There's a lot of poop, boogers, squashed bananas in places there shouldn't be squashed bananas, and lately, singing the songs to Frozen more times than I've ever wanted to (that's my own fault-- who showed him Frozen? Me. I did.). It's taken time, almost two years, and I can't say I don't wonder what it would be like to still be working in a school (versus a virtual one) or running a business or writing a book, or going "viral" or whatever, but more days than not I find my heart and soul to be very content doing what I was designed best to do: be Lincoln's mom. Most days, I kinda rock at it. Not in a perfect, make-all-the-right-decisions way, but in that I recognize the weight of what I'm doing. It's big. I don't love it twenty four/ seven, but there are moments-- many of them-- when the joy just catches me by surprise and I thank God that this is where he put me, even though I was reluctant. There are some freaking hard days, but there are really great days too. And those hard days aren't all bad, just hard. Getting to this place hasn't been easy (actually, it was the worst summer and subsequent six months of my life adjusting) but it's been so worth it, and my perspective on everything is so different. I could not be more grateful. (If you aren't familiar with my postpartum depression/anxiety/eczema explosion story you can read it here and my thoughts on being "just a mom" here). 

Okay, enough about my experience and exploiting a friend's beautiful photos to share my thoughts on the complexity of mommy societal expectations. Another day, another post... 

Not to quote the title of my blog but this girl and I? We are handpicked. Like, from day one God had us in mind to be friends. We met in 2013 when Marshall and I visited our first small group at The Summit. We bonded over photography, our love for chocolate pastries and Paris, coffee and kitchen aid mixers, like all in the first 10 minutes of meeting each other. The rest is history. We didn't know it at the time, but we had lived in the same neighborhood, literally down the street from each other, and then they moved out to the country but were still within a reasonable driving distance from our house. This lady loves so selflessly. The way she serves her husband and family is admirable. She's like me, into a little bit of everything. We love music, crafting, Jesus, leggings, coffee, photography, etc. Samesies. 

She and her husband worked their booties off the first year and some of Ben's life to pay off their debt so she could be at home with him and pour all her time into her photography business. In December she celebrated her last day of her day job and is officially a full time mama and small business owner and I asked her if I could come over and document this sweet time and transition. It's hard when you're in it to see how sweet it is. These photos are just so special and remind me so much of me and my own sweet boy. There is something so magical, just so so so magical about those everyday things. Making coffee. Playing trains. Eating breakfast together. Reading books. Getting dressed. Diaper changes. Some days its so monotonous, but before you know it they're reading their own books, feeding themselves and NOT throwing it on the floor (right? RIGHT?!), and using the potty (or so I've heard). It's hard adjusting to the slow life and being on toddler time, especially when you've been going 1,000 miles an hour and accomplishing more things before the sun is up than some people do all day.... for most of your life. 

But this girl? She rocks it. She rocks being Ben's mama. He's the sweetest little kid in the whole world (even compared to my own) and loves to snuggle and show affection, and I just love it. Even to me. Gives me hugs every time he sees me. Every time! I just love him and could eat him up! Now that she's more flexible during the day we get to see each other a lot (like once a week!) and it makes me so happy. It's like a promise fulfilled on so many fronts. I was so lonely and lost and confused in those early baby days, and begged God for community. Every time we see each other is just such a big reminder of God's faithfulness in his timing in the big things and in the small. Thank you for having me over (ahem-- letting me invite myself over) Steph and Ben! It was such a joy to be part of your morning. 

The Babysitting Swap

Snaps from our last date night. So GREAT. 

About a year ago, we were close to celebrating our 4th year of marriage (+6 years of dating prior) and finally had implemented a bedtime for Lincoln, who was about 7 months old. We started getting really consistent about putting him to bed at 7pm and it was a game-changer for our marriage. Becoming parents and resuming our normal work duties had been challenging and really hard on our marriage and even though we saw each other a lot, we hadn't really connected in months or had conversations about things that weren't baby, family, work or house related. Once we had a guaranteed bedtime for him, suddenly we found ourselves with time in the evening to, like, talk!

While we enjoyed being able to hang out in the evenings, going out on an actual date seemed hilarious and far-fetched. One time we actually did have to go to an open house for school, we arranged to have my sister babysit and we made an evening of it and went to dinner and I just remember being really disappointed. So much effort, and so much expectation and months building up to this date and all we did was sit in silence while we inhaled our food and then drove home and I played on my phone while I pumped. Not so magical.

Enter: The Babysitting Swap.

It was suggested by one of my best friends, Sarah. A little background: I prayed for a family to babysit for back in 2006 when I was about to move to Raleigh for college and I was the first to respond to an email to my then-bible study leader and I landed the job babysitting Cole, who was 2 years old then and she was pregnant with Adison. Fastforward 10 years, I lived with them one summer, Cole and Adison were in our wedding and they are the only people I've let keep Lincoln overnight (more than once). They are family! 

So the deal we came up with was one night of babysitting for one night of babysitting. She comes over and watches Lincoln on our agreed upon date night, I go over and watch Cole & Adison on their's. It's a win win win! We get a guaranteed date night AND (and!) Sarah and I both get a night solo once kids are in bed. I think our arrangement works the best because our kids are different ages. She enjoys the toddler shenanigans and snuggles, and I enjoy that her kids prepare and feed themselves dinner and can put themselves to bed without little to no supervision. And the THIRD win, you can spend more on the actual date night experience because you don't have to budget $50+ for a babysitter. Not to mention, we've known each other forever and there's no pressure to have a clean house, or leave detailed directions, or anything. We legit just leave when she gets there and it's the best.

We do ours 6-10pm (mostly because I can't really imagine being up much later than 10 most nights) but some people do later so the babysitter doesn't have to do bedtime, but for me part of the magic of date night and being "off the hook" so to speak, is not having to trick the little one into surrendering all the fun he's having being awake into sleepy time.

We've recently taken it up a notch and gone to two date nights a month which has been so wonderful. We often use one of ours for a church event so we don't have to worry about bringing Lincoln past bedtime and then the other for just a good old fashioned date night where we can unplug and just hang out together.

As for what we do on the dates is another post, because we are spending as little money as possible these days on anything that isn't debt and our idea of a date may not exactly be the most common interpretation. Being able to schedule them out at the end of the month for the next month really allows you to plan and budget for some fun activities, and takes the pressure off to super connect during the normal busy weeks. Obviously we talk every day and invest in each other, but we allow ourselves to be busy and work and give our full attention to work/home/Lincoln because we know date night is coming and we'll have a chance to really give our whole attention to each other and be fully present.

All in all, The Babysitting Swap is where it's at! Here's a starting point:

1. Find a family you are comfortable leaving your kid(s) with and vice versa. Kids don't have to be the same age, it may actually be fun to bring big kids to play with little ones or if one parent will be babysitting, it is a nice change to help bigger kids get ready for bed if the parent has a smaller child at home. 
2. Lay out expectations, times, dates, frequency, etc. It would even be a good idea to get these things in writing, perhaps a follow up email after a face to face conversation that way there's a place to reference and everyone is on the same page (looking at you, dads. This is for you too!). It's great to nail down these things at the beginning (and be super thorough) so that there are no surprises or weird feelings later on. Sometimes babysitting friends' kids can be awkward, but not if you nail down details out in the open! Things to think about:
• What time of day will the swap happen? How long of a period of time?
• Will it be when kids are asleep? Will the caregiver need to put kids to bed?
• Will a meal be provided for the caregiver? 
• Are there any parenting preferences in regards to food, screen time, books, etc?
• Will the kids be awake during the swap time? Will both parents be caregivers and the kids play together, or will one parent babysit while the other stays at home? 
3. Plan ahead! Pick dates month-to-month that work for you, or decide that Couple A gets to date the 1st Thursday of the month and Couple B gets to date the 3rd Thursday of the month. And plan on it. Fight for it. Make it happen. Say no to other things because YOU HAVE A DATE. 
4. ENJOY ALL THE DATES AND FREE BABYSITTING! 

Restoration By Coming Undone

The other night I got into bed and just poured it all out to my husband. I've been legitimately terrified heading into this summer. Last summer was a bit traumatic for me, and we talked about all my fears and how last summer was miserable and all three of us are so much better off because of how horrible it was. As hard as it was to go through it, last summer was so pivotal in my life.  It's really true that God uses the hardest times in our lives to bless us. We just have to let him. 

Last summer was one of the darkest times of my life. It sounds really dramatic, when I put it that way, but it was a season where days, weeks and months blurred together and I thought I'd never get out of it. I was ashamed of myself, disappointed in myself and hurt for my family that I was such a mess. I really believed they deserved more.

It was kind of a perfect storm that led to fall out. For starters, I was leaving my job of being a Spanish teacher to work from home full time teaching online. On paper it seemed like a dream come true, but I did not adjust very gracefully. I had unrealistic expectations for myself of what it would be like to be at home working with a mobile infant (when I went back to work after maternity leave Lincoln was 12 weeks old and didn't really do much besides eat, sleep, poop and stare at things). I am strikingly terrible at time management, and without having bells or a school schedule to tell me where to go, what to do and when to eat lunch and pee, I was overwhelmed with all the hours I was suddenly expected to commandeer . There was no structure to my days or when the baby napped, and some days he wouldn't nap and I wouldn't eat or pee all day. I found it really overwhelming to keep up with housework, feeding the baby (and myself) and getting work done. I failed pretty miserably, and straight up didn't get work done like I was supposed to and had to explain myself to my supervisor twice in two months. It was embarrassing, as I try to maintain a good reputation in professional circles, but I remember feeling like I was just trying to make it to bedtime. Could have cared less about my inbox.

Another element that really surprised me about the job change, was the juxtaposition of all the expectations that others had for me and how much I cared! I felt caught between these unrealistic expectations for myself and professional expectations that I had from former professors and colleagues and it seemed unwise to leave my job right when it seemed like all my friends my age were excelling in theirs. Was I making a huge mistake leaving a job that I loved, to be at home in a job that didn't provide benefits or any type of security? Why couldn't I be the kind of mom to send my kid to daycare? How did other teacher moms afford it? How did other teacher moms enjoy being around kids but away from their own? I hated to be away from Lincoln. This had it's own stigma attached to it (that mom), it just seemed like a lose-lose at every angle. I was failing as a working woman to trade my career for motherhood. I was soft for wanting to spend time with my baby. It must be nice to be able to stay at home. I'd find myself correcting people, telling them that I worked from home, I don't stay at home, like somehow that made me more legitimate.

On top of the job change, I had been struggling my gradually worsening eczema since Lincoln had been born and it was in the summer months it began to flare the worst. I tried a variety of creams, ointments and finally resorted to topical steroids and shortly thereafter experienced a flare on 80% of my body. It was all over my face, torso, limbs and everywhere in between. It was painful. It was ugly. It was itchy. It was terrifying. I saw many doctors and none could do anything for me because I was breastfeeding, and didn't recommend any steroids (which would clear it up) because of the risk for a rebound flare which could be worse than the initial flare. I saw so many doctors, sneaking into the office mid-July wearing long sleeves and a baseball cap to avoid stares in the waiting room, just to pay an $80 co-pay to be told "sorry".

Personally, things were on the fritz. New parenthood was hard on our marriage, and it took lots of hard conversations and intentional time spent in prayer for and with each other to get to the point where we could have pleasant conversations (in retrospect, 6 months of not sleeping through the night will make you a pretty irritable person). During the summer within days of each other, someone really close to me had a late miscarriage of their third child, and some dear friends of ours lost their newborn to a disease they found out about at their 20 week anatomy scan. The emotions of pregnancy and birth were still so fresh, I could barely get out of bed. Not too long later, my dad casually announced he had been dating someone for a year, and my mom got remarried to guy I've never met. Suddenly I looked up and I had no idea who I was, where I came from and what it all meant. There was no meaning, rhyme or reason to anything. I liked to sleep, and eat brownies. That was about it.

I was just really struggling, you know? Becoming a mom had been hard, leaving my job was hard, my new job was hard, figuring out my body after having and breastfeeding a baby was hard, having eczema and wondering what causes it was hard, finding out that my parents had started new lives without me was hard, seeing my husband, friends and family move on about their normal lives was hard. I'd begun having  anxiety attacks multiple times a day-- and I had just come to terms with this was my new life, and I had to get used to it. I hated silence and being alone with my thoughts. I binge watched any and everything on Netflix in the background always and listened to podcast after podcast after podcast. Anything to drown out the deafening silence. I really just wanted to do normal new mom stuff: do some work at home in my leggings, watch TV and nurse my baby, lose the babyweight. I did not sign up for this despair that I found myself in.

I read this entry from Jess Connolly today. I've been half-heartedly reading her new book Wild and Free for the past 6 weeks or so, but I am praying and asking God to give me the self-discipline to turn off Netflix before bed and read for ten minutes until I finish it. It's so good, and so real, and so what I need to hear in this season of my life. But it's almost too good. Like, I don't want to read it because I can't just space out and read it. I actually have to read the words and think about the implications of them. It's taking forever.

But, the entry I read today is titled Women of God: Please Come Undone, and I thought there was no better time than to share this fountain of emotions, warmed by the gradual increasing temperatures of summer, has begun to bubble over from my soul. Please read it. Even if you don't consider yourself to be religious, spiritual, a Christian–whatever-- it is so honest and real and every woman should read it, and know that there are other women out there that feel this way.

Depression is weird. Anxiety is weird. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and was medicated for a while. I don't really remember much of high school (which it what I wanted to shout to everyone that I saw at my 10 year reunion last weekend-- "I studied Facebook so I'd know your names!") and if you've ever swapped crazy parent stories with me, you can probably attest that a little extra serotonin production wouldn't have been a bad thing for high school me. But it's just a really weird thing to experience, and to talk about. What really resonated to me about Jess' blog post is when she sent a message out to her church people and was honest about her depression and suicidal thoughts and asked people to hang out with her– no one did. It's weird territory, I get it. Especially as a mom now,  taking my kid over to play with  the self-proclaimed suicidal mom's kids may not be my first choice. It's just messy, and complicated and  we think that the first step to getting a nice, clean, uncomplicated and tidy life is to surround ourselves by people who lead nice, clean, uncomplicated and tidy lives.

That could not be farther from the truth. First of all, there's no one in the whole wide world that leads a nice, clean, uncomplicated and tidy life. We've all got messes somewhere, and if for some reason we were blessed with two sane parents and no uncles with a drinking problem, we've got a cabinet full of self-doubt, other fears or things like poverty, disease and abuse. Nobody's life is perfect.

Second of all, experiencing a connection with another person through their deepest, darkest moment that they wish that they could erase is nothing but supernatural. The mutual understanding of, "me too!" is what binds us, connects us, and gives us the push we need to keep going through the hard stuff. Me, too. I've been there, too. You aren't alone. Last summer, that's what I needed the most. I needed someone to come beside me that had been there, and to reassure me that I was in fact, not turning into my mother, and that things would come out in the wash. Because, that's the truth. I'm still Kellie and I made it out.

I have mixed thoughts and feelings about sharing how much my life has changed since last year. There's nothing coherent, or predictable about the way God moved. I knew on some level while it was happening that he was working for my good, but I couldn't have even explicitly asked for what would come. He's so rad like that. This year has brought some serious crap, but because of it God has revealed life to me like I've never experienced it. I never want to go back to how it was before. Eczema, postpartum depression and all– it's shaped my life and made me better. Not an uncomplicated, clean, tidy better, but my perspective is better. My perspective on everything– being a wife, mom, teacher and friend– is wider. I feel like I see a bigger picture than I used to. And in the realest, most honest sense– I'm way better at self care, time management, eating food that nourishes me, exercising and sleeping. I'm still taking meds prescribed by my OB last year, and eventually I'll try life off of them, but I'm really enjoying not having anxiety attacks. A lot of those things were out of necessity, but I count them. God answered the deepest cries of my heart that I'd never uttered out loud and made me better in ways that I've longed for my whole life.

I want to shout from the rooftops that God has brought me from the depths to this place, but I have these fears that it comes off as bragging. You know how people do sometimes? Post a picture of something ridiculous and hashtag "blessed" and are all humble braggy, but try to play it off that they are thanking God about it.  I have these fears, that as soon as I start to talk about what God has done for me that I'll have an eczema flare and then I'll find myself soaking in a tub back at square one. It's a weird place, crediting my healing to God, and accepting that it's temporary. I still have fears. I have so many fears, but they don't define me anymore. They don't have a place here, there's too much light!

All that to say, one of my favorite lines from UnQualified was: There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. There is joy, beauty and connection waiting in the cracks. My hope in sharing this story is that you'll be free to come undone too– there's certain restoration waiting for us there. Amen.

Gabe, Jess, Asher + Jonas | portraits

This family has been such a blessing to us in this new season of parenthood. Most of our life is in North Raleigh or Wake Forest and this crew lives pretty close to us in the SE Raleigh area, and Jess is a stay at home mama so during my pregnancy and first few weeks of newborn life we started hanging out pretty regularly. She (pregnant and a 2 year old in tow) would come over, give me breastfeeding pep talks (not to mention was a major source of text encouragement during my crazy pre-labor), bring me dinner, help me make yummy lactation cookies, teach me her couponing ways... so many ways this lady has selflessly served me over the past several months!

She recently had her second sweet little boy (a rockstar VBAC!) and I offered to take some pictures of the four of them. Her husband takes awesome pictures, but as the self-appointed photographer of my family, I often end up with awesome pictures of everyone else and none including me and figured he could relate. Jess kept these a surprise for Gabe for Father's Day and they are so sweet! Grateful that God continues to bless my heart with great friends. Also, can we talk about how amazing (and well-rested!!?) she looks for having two littles? Gorgeous.

Michelle + Wesley | portraits

Michelle was my work BFF this year. She is just one of those people that you meet and instantly feel like you've known for a lot longer than you really have. She is absolutely adorable, and even when I was nine months pregnant and she was a size 2, people (okay, kindergarteners) continued to get us confused. Up until the end of the school year, teachers would accidentally mix our names up and the last week of school one student looked at me, dead serious, and said, "you know what? I really get you and the Spanish teacher confused." I am the Spanish teacher.

When I decided not to return to face to face teaching, I was super sad to not be working with her (and the rest of my amazing team), because we had a really great thing going. It is rare to find a team of five that work well together and we really mesh super well. I was sad about leaving technology and after talking to her we realized that she would be the perfect person to keep teaching it! She's young, energetic and super knowledgeable about technology, specifically, the way we use iPads in the classroom and I felt totally better about leaving knowing I'd still be in communication with her and she'd be able to carry the torch.

Then, she broke the news to me. She'd gotten a job. Her dream job, actually, in Florida as a band director. She'd always wanted to be a band director in a beach town and hates cold weather. Perfection. So, she and her super cute boyfriend were moving the week after school ends. I cried. 

Honestly, the whole technology class thing was far from my mind, I was super happy for them, but so bummed our work BFF-ness was short lived. Michelle is such a joy to be around, so genuine and kind, loving and she gets my jokes. She also invited me to go to Cross Fit with her and I did. I don't do Cross Fit, but I did and barely made it out alive, but she cheered me on the whole time (in between her 200m sprints, weight lifting, squats and pull ups). She also had a habit of cheering me on with pretty much anything I was doing at work...pumping, planning a lesson, figuring out what I should do with my life (motherhood has sent me spiraling into a bit of an identity crisis)...anything. She was always telling me that I could do it! Even when I was 38 weeks pregnant with the flu, she was like "you can power through!" I in fact, could not, but she was so encouraging! 

The last Sunday in May we met for Sushi and then frolicked over to the art museum for some evening lovey fun musical pictures of her and her tall, skinny, IT, musical boyfriend Wesley, and for a professional looking headshot for her new school's fancy website.  You know, one like this one. 

One of my favorite things about Michelle is her contagious spirit. Every year she picks something to do. In the past it has been sky-diving and this year it is Cross Fit. She also casually mentioned during our photo session that she modeled at one point in her life, and when asked what she does in the evenings she practices flute in her coat closet of her apartment so that she does not disturb her neighbors. She also has the most impressive repertoire of Halloween costumes I've ever seen, including a functioning gum ball machine. 

She also doesn't drink caffeine, accidentally did one time, and forgot where she parked her car. This was when she had two cars and legitimately left work early one day because she thought her car had been stolen, but then remembered where it was. I thought this was the best story every and told pretty much anyone, and then realized that may have been a mean thing to do. She was so gracious and laughed at herself and we all celebrated when Wesley came back from Indiana and helped her remember where she put things like her keys, her glasses or her car. 

Michelle! Your new school is so lucky to have you. I am most certainly going to miss you and I guess we will just have to add West Palm Beach to our places to visit. Hope your new swanky condo has room for a pack-n-play! 

Sometimes in difficult seasons I question God's goodness. And then he goes and gives me super wonderful friends like these. In my life, in every single season when I've needed reinforcements, he always sends me somebody. Adjusting to working motherhood then transitioning into working-from-home motherhood has been hard for me and there have been a lot of times where I just straight up did not believe in myself enough to get to work on time, much less thinking about having a career. Am I still a good teacher? Do I even like teaching? Can I work and be mom? Can I be good at all of it? I would legitimately have conversations with Michelle about these things and she was just so kind and encouraging. This is one of those handpicked moments where I realize that her decision to teach at my school, although not her dream job, put her in a place to teach me in this season of transition and uncertainty. God knew that more than anything, I needed someone to encourage me and to keep me motivated to dream big. She was that person for me. Over the moon grateful for this girl! We are so handpicked. 

Rebekah | portraits

Let me start by saying that I graduated from college with some really wonderful ladies. My four years at Meredith College are definitely among the greatest of my life so far, and that is mostly in part to just being around and learning with and from an amazing group of women, then, as students and now as alumnae.

I go back and forth with how I feel about my undergraduate education. I had little to no knowledge about student loans or that there was a difference in paying for a private or public education. Now, as a parent I will definitely encourage my children to do the community college to public university 'pay as you go' route. As we continue on our debt-free journey I truly hope though that we are out of debt and able to save so that someday if we have a daughter we can afford to send her to Meredith. It is such an amazing place to learn and I have some of the best friendships because of it!

It was actually while catching up with Bekah that I shared with her how grateful I am for the unique education I received at Meredith, and that even though I was unwise in going into debt to become a teacher, God has used connections I made while I was there to get me some really great jobs to help me pay it off. He's so good like that, doing big things in those details and using decisions we make for good. All Romans 8:28-ey and stuff.



I think I met Bekah through Cornhuskin', but as any small college is, we ran in the same circles friend-wise. We reconnected (not that we really disconnected thanks to social media!) at our 5 year reunion a few weeks ago and decided to do some anniversary pictures this fall for her and her husband. She emailed a few weeks ago needing some updated personal photos for a project for grad school so Lincoln and I met her one afternoon to grab some quick shots. She is so lovely inside and out!

Thanks for having me, Bekah!

Annual State Fair Snacky Dinner

My girls and I sure love a good snacky dinner. Last year we went to the fair and ate around and decided that it would definitely be a new tradition for us. We weren't able to get there as early as we did last year, but Kasey hooked us up with good parking and we walked around and ate and ate and ate. 

Clockwise from top: Cheddar Nuggets (from the pictured 'Hot Wisconsin Cheese' stand. My favorite!), Pumpkin Funnel Cake, Al's French Fries, Fried Snickers, Red Velvet Oreos, Fries round 2, 1% NC Milk (wish it had been whole!),  and last but not least, Fried Cheesecake. 

We've developed the perfect system for trying all the fair treats: four is better than one. If you are by yourself really you can only eat, at most, two things before you start to hate life. When you are four people you just try a little bit of everything. The more the merrier! 

I had my bi-weekly appointment yesterday and I measured a week ahead of my due date. I got really excited at first thinking Lincoln would come earlier than the 31st, but then I realized that is probably just baby baby + State Fair food baby. They also made me get on the scale. Yikes. Let me just say that I am going to lay off the milkshakes for the next 10 weeks and I most definitely won't be going to the fair again until next year...