Right Now: 40 weeks

Right now we're guessing...  40 weeks! (As of April 30th or May 1st, depending on LMP or first ultrasound)

Right now I'm feeling pregnant in that... there's not much else you feel on your due date, other than pregnant. Although, this chick has been WILD the past couple of days. Like crazy movement. Heartburn is pretty fierce (and made way worse by coffee which I want to drink, constantly). 

Right now I'm eating...  80/20 life. We had real people donuts today and paleo pancakes yesterday. Craving fruit and juice. Even better if it's fruit juice. 

Right now I'm loving...  wrapping my belly. 

Right now, like last time... my hand eczema is getting a little out of control.

Right now, this is different than last time in that...  still pregnant on my due date. 

Right now I'm looking forward to...  meeting this girl! 

Right now I'm reading... nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

Right now I'm wearing...  actually had a major win this weekend and took out the maternity clothes, left some pieces that will work for the next 2 weeks (MAX) and got out my spring/summer clothes that are postpartum and nursing friendly. Got a bag full for Goodwill and the rest packed back up in capsules. It's amazing how much taming the closet crazy tames a lot of life crazy... but I can still fit my Lularoe leggings (pictured above). Around the house I'm pretty much in leggings, my gym shorts or an oversized T. Out and about I've got a couple of maternity skinnies that fit still and a few tops. Lots of tank tops these days. Not even caring about my pregnant arms. It's too hot for life. 

Right now I'm watching... rewatching Friends.

Right now I'm listening to... my "motivate" playlist which is mostly tracks from Pastor Steven and adding in some from my Gospel Bump playlist (ha). Been in the mood for motivating music to keep my mind off of everything.

Right now kinda nervous about...  all the what ifs got me today! I guess it's just the unfamiliar territory of going to my due date, and then all the wondering starts to happen. Would Lincoln have cooked longer if I hadn't have had interventions? Is it actually possible for me to "go into labor" on my own without membranes stripped and Pitocin and all that? What if my labor stalls at the birth center and I have to be transferred to the hospital? What if I never "go into labor" and have to be induced at 42 weeks? What if I'm not really pregnant and this is just a joke/dream/alternate reality...? What if what if what if?

BUT! I've refocused and bounced back from that place since earlier today. It took some tears and getting it all out, but I'm good. There's just not much you can do about the mental marathon that is the last stretch of pregnancy...

Right now celebrating...  truths!

1. God designed and equipped my body for this. I'll go into labor when I go into labor, maybe with help, maybe without help. Who. Knows. Not for me to worry about the how or when, my job is to show up and do a good job when it happens.  
2. God has Emmeline's story all mapped out and it's a good one. He knows the day, the time and how it's all gonna go down and afterwards we're gonna see the beauty in it all and I can't wait to see how he's being faithful to me now, when I am acting like a total faithless crazy person.
3. This part is hard, I should give myself some grace. 
4. Comparison kills your calling. LB said this today at church. The context, a bit different than what he meant, but still. My calling is to be Emmeline's mama, from the moment she was conceived until the rest of forever and right now my calling is to 1) chill out, 2) keep my blood pressure and stress level at a reasonably low level 3) be patient 4) probably chill with the doughnut eating. I can't compare my birth/labor story to anyone else's on the Internet or that I know in real life. It's unique, just like my girl is, and I just have to be patient. Patient. Patient. 

We also had a really fun week. A lot of it was "up in the air" because I thought I'd deliver during the week for sure, but we did a ton of fun stuff. Campus Night at Carolina Theater was amazing, Outcry was awesome... we had a super special "family weekend" and just ran errands, and hung out and enjoyed each other's company. It was super special. Maybe we'll add a lil' chica to it next weekend... 

Our Everyday Photos: April 2017

Just a normal Thursday. Marshall was home in the morning because the plumber came to install a whole house water filter (so maybe not so normal...) I took L to preschool and then hung out and worked at Starbucks until it was time for pickup. It was hard to reign in my focus, but I totally goofed off for most of the time, but then finished everything I needed to finish the last 45 minutes like a total procrasti-rockstar. Came home for nap, worked some more while he slept, we went for a big walk and then I headed out to my last married ladies eGroup meeting. Such a sweet day. 

Just Because | Steph + Ben

So, being a mom is tough.  Figuring out what your place in the world is is tough. Finding balance in the tension of being a mother and having a career is tough.

Lincoln was a newborn when I resigned from my teaching job for the coming school year. I was supposed to be excited to have the opportunity to work from home and be with my baby all the time, but it was such an unfamiliar thing I was really not as thrilled as I thought I would be when I signed my resignation letter. There was so much unknown and comments made by co-workers and friends ("oh it must be so nice to be able to stay at home....") that made me think I was surrendering a hardworking life for a glorified maternity leave-- except permanent. 

I remember tearfully telling Marshall… ”—but I don’t want to be just a mom! I thought there was more for me!”  I felt like I needed to start a business, write a book, do something big. Little did I realize at the time, that raising that tiny person into a  full grown human being is one of the biggest things I'll ever do. It's not glamorous. It doesn't gain a lot of followers. There's a lot of poop, boogers, squashed bananas in places there shouldn't be squashed bananas, and lately, singing the songs to Frozen more times than I've ever wanted to (that's my own fault-- who showed him Frozen? Me. I did.). It's taken time, almost two years, and I can't say I don't wonder what it would be like to still be working in a school (versus a virtual one) or running a business or writing a book, or going "viral" or whatever, but more days than not I find my heart and soul to be very content doing what I was designed best to do: be Lincoln's mom. Most days, I kinda rock at it. Not in a perfect, make-all-the-right-decisions way, but in that I recognize the weight of what I'm doing. It's big. I don't love it twenty four/ seven, but there are moments-- many of them-- when the joy just catches me by surprise and I thank God that this is where he put me, even though I was reluctant. There are some freaking hard days, but there are really great days too. And those hard days aren't all bad, just hard. Getting to this place hasn't been easy (actually, it was the worst summer and subsequent six months of my life adjusting) but it's been so worth it, and my perspective on everything is so different. I could not be more grateful. (If you aren't familiar with my postpartum depression/anxiety/eczema explosion story you can read it here and my thoughts on being "just a mom" here). 

Okay, enough about my experience and exploiting a friend's beautiful photos to share my thoughts on the complexity of mommy societal expectations. Another day, another post... 

Not to quote the title of my blog but this girl and I? We are handpicked. Like, from day one God had us in mind to be friends. We met in 2013 when Marshall and I visited our first small group at The Summit. We bonded over photography, our love for chocolate pastries and Paris, coffee and kitchen aid mixers, like all in the first 10 minutes of meeting each other. The rest is history. We didn't know it at the time, but we had lived in the same neighborhood, literally down the street from each other, and then they moved out to the country but were still within a reasonable driving distance from our house. This lady loves so selflessly. The way she serves her husband and family is admirable. She's like me, into a little bit of everything. We love music, crafting, Jesus, leggings, coffee, photography, etc. Samesies. 

She and her husband worked their booties off the first year and some of Ben's life to pay off their debt so she could be at home with him and pour all her time into her photography business. In December she celebrated her last day of her day job and is officially a full time mama and small business owner and I asked her if I could come over and document this sweet time and transition. It's hard when you're in it to see how sweet it is. These photos are just so special and remind me so much of me and my own sweet boy. There is something so magical, just so so so magical about those everyday things. Making coffee. Playing trains. Eating breakfast together. Reading books. Getting dressed. Diaper changes. Some days its so monotonous, but before you know it they're reading their own books, feeding themselves and NOT throwing it on the floor (right? RIGHT?!), and using the potty (or so I've heard). It's hard adjusting to the slow life and being on toddler time, especially when you've been going 1,000 miles an hour and accomplishing more things before the sun is up than some people do all day.... for most of your life. 

But this girl? She rocks it. She rocks being Ben's mama. He's the sweetest little kid in the whole world (even compared to my own) and loves to snuggle and show affection, and I just love it. Even to me. Gives me hugs every time he sees me. Every time! I just love him and could eat him up! Now that she's more flexible during the day we get to see each other a lot (like once a week!) and it makes me so happy. It's like a promise fulfilled on so many fronts. I was so lonely and lost and confused in those early baby days, and begged God for community. Every time we see each other is just such a big reminder of God's faithfulness in his timing in the big things and in the small. Thank you for having me over (ahem-- letting me invite myself over) Steph and Ben! It was such a joy to be part of your morning. 

February Goal Type Things 2017

• set up and start bullet journaling 
• I have the most wonderful undated monthly/weekly/daily planner from Target that I discovered was a one time collaboration and it sent me spiraling into the depths of the internet to find a new one. I'm super duper not interested in paying more than $20 (even that's more than I'd want to pay...) for something I will scribble on, spill coffee on and that potentially has features I do not need, care about or plan to use. Per the recommendation of my sweet friend Marie, I finally Googled some bullet journaling tutorials and that is TOTALLY how I already run my work flow/schedule-- except I was using a pre-made undated planner. Amazing. I'm excited to try it, and am looking forward to having a central location for lists too. I have a running tab of lists in my phone and legal pads about and the idea of having them all in one place gets me so excited. I found a cheap-ish one on Amazon that will arrive tomorrow and now I just need a good black pen. Hit me with your favorites. 
• start teaching round 2 of Financial Peace University
• It's starting February 19th! We've partnered with Elevation Raleigh to offer this course AGAIN with free childcare, coffee and no rush hour traffic. We will meet at Millbrook High School on Sundays during the 9:30 worship experience. The course runs for 9 weeks and you are free to come check it out without investing in the kit-- it WILL change your life! Register here: https://fpu.com/1036068
• go to Ikea (FINALLY YOU GUYS) 
• I get paid on February 10th and we have quite an Ikea list. Several house projects are in the works and we are borrowing a mini-van and plan to fill 'er up! Yippee! 
• assemble king bed + move queen bed to the Big Boy Room + move crib into the Baby Girl Room! 
• We're playing musical beds! We're getting a memory foam king bed (adulting, so much adulting) and our queen mattress is going in Lincoln's room and his crib (now toddler bed) is getting moved into baby girl's room. 
• make a nesting to-do list and clean out, organize and start preparations for Baby Girl's Room!
• We've already gone through the clothes, downsized tremendously and have a ton of NB through 3mo stuff washed and ready, just need to get it in the room, put it all away and hang stuff on the walls. Post coming soon with inspiration for her room. EEEEEEP. 
• complete Foto February Challenge
• I came up with this photo challenge for the month just for funsies. I've only done one so far, and it's really fun! And really challenging to let go of the pretty image ideal... jump in! There are no rules! 
• finish reading Respect Dare
• This book has been pivotal in this season of transition. We're not quite newlyweds, we're preparing to transition to two kids, we've been in our house for five years.. it's an interesting place to be and this book has provided such a shift in perspective for me. It is cheesy at times and the lil' feminist in me sometimes screams and wants to stop reading it, but I'm finding it important that I challenge my thinking on all front and see things from other perspectives.  I'm slated to finish it in the next two weeks (I'm a bit behind) and there are already quite a few "dares" that I haven't really done full out and I'd like to do again. Perhaps this fall will be a good time to do that, I think! Regardless, I totally recommend it if you're looking for some guidance in approaching marriage biblically. Men speak respect, women speak love and it's a really great combination of these ideas with some practical tips, "dares" and reflections. A great "quiet time" piece and has sparked some wonderful conversations between Marshall and I. Highly recommend! 
• maintain existing + continue developing good habits
• I've upgraded my water bottle to a 1L and am drinking 2-3 liters a day. Want to keep that up! 
• I've been getting up early to work in the mornings and it has been a game changer for my stress level! Finding such peace and joy working in the wee hours of 5 and 6am. I don't even know who I am anymore...
• I lowered my step goal to 6k a day, and some days it's easy to hit and surpass, others not so much. Get back to walking every day and yoga 1x a week once I hit 30 weeks. 
• enjoy at least one Lincoln + Mama day each week
• I'm getting all nostalgic about only having ~13ish weeks left of this pregnancy, and the transition to 2 YEARS OLD hasn't been too bad, but there are definitely a few more tantrums than there used to be. It's getting more difficult to wrangle him in public when he decides to not obey, BUT-- it's worth it. We've been going to Marbles a lot, would like to maybe go to Pullen Park and ride the train one day, go get special donuts at Levant... and also, would like to document one of these with my big camera. 

Lincoln's 2nd Birthday

True Life: I totally forgot my kid's birthday.

We sat down at the end of November to plan out our December. End of course dates and deadlines for work, finalize our Christmas budget, decide which Christmas parties we would go to, schedule our date nights, go over any last minute budget additions or changes to the month. I synchronized all the dates in my paper planner with our shared iCal (I am an undeniable pen+paper planner person, but Marshall uses iCal so I put things in both places) and started making my Fun To Do List for Christmas and then we turned off the lights in the dining room and started to head upstairs for bed and I realized. Lincoln's Birthday. December 28th. Crap. I totally forgot. Didn't even have it written down in my paper planner (it was a reoccurring event in iCal, so if you're on the fence between iCal and pen+paper....)

So, we turned the light back on, sat down and cranked out the lowest key of low key 2nd Birthday parties: Firetrucks, family, order pizza, figure out how to make s'mores in a fire on his actual birthday. DONE.

The old Kellie was trying to hang onto mom guilt and beat myself up over forgetting my kid's birthday, but the new Kellie was like: Hey, girl. You remembered. This is only the second time you've had to do this in your life, and last time you were pretty much just celebrating keeping everyone alive. This year, you're thriving. And you also planned a pretty awesome Christmas month. Don't worry. He'll never know unless you blog about it. (Hmm.....)

And you know what?! It was kind of the best birthday ever. I love that his birthday falls over winter break. Marshall will always be on trackout and I will always been on winter break whether I'm teaching online or face to face, and it's a guaranteed family day. The past two years we've disassembled Christmas on December 26 and started decorating for Lincoln's birthday on the 27th which I kind of love. We got everything for free pretty much with a Wal-Mart giftcard from Marshall's work for Christmas so we decked it out.

We started on the 28th with a big breakfast, headed to North Raleigh to Fresh Levant Bistro for gluten and dairy free donuts, stopped at Aldi to pick up snacks for our local fire station and headed over there to show Lincoln the firetrucks. They totally outdid themselves. They showed him every nook and cranny of every firetruck that he wanted to see (he literally asked them to open every door/cabinet on every truck) and let him sit in the driver's seat and even turned the sirens on for him. He had the best day ever.  He cried when we left and begged the firefighters to hold him (hold youuuu!) and it was a blast.

We came home, had a normal lunch, put him down for nap and when he woke up our families came over for pizza, presents and we made a bonfire (!! thanks Uncle Dan!) in the front driveway in an old metal washbin from our wedding (finally putting that thing to use!) and roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. The kid had the best day ever. Marshall had made some little cardboard firetrucks out of diaper boxes and the boys ran around in those and played with all the firetruck toys and by golly. It was a blast. He is so blessed and lucky to have such awesome grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (and babysitters!) that love him so. We love you little guy! Sorry we forgot your birthday, we love you so much and celebrate that you're ours EVERY DAY. Also, don't want to forget how much you loved the dark chocolate. 85% for life on s'mores.